My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
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COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
I have three kids: a 14-year-old, an 11-year-old, and an imaginary child who is actually to blame for everything the other two get accused of.
The other day a number of people at work told me that I had a lovely healthy glow about me and had caught the sun a little. I was far too embarrassed to tell them it was actually a rather uncomfortable eczema flare up
TSA agent just said the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.
“Keep track of your gifts. Don’t want Santa’s elves to take your toys back to the North Pole”.
The elves wouldn’t do that. That’s not what they do.
Don’t touch me.
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
Mmmm canned fish.
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal