My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
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I burn TV dinners every night so my husband thinks it’s “homemade”.
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
All right then, keep your secrets
A Canadian pilot was hesitant about landing in the crosswind, so Benny from Maintenance has fixed his plane.
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
My dad is at it again
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.