Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[firing torpedo from submarine]

torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else

I have a midnight snack in the middle of my day, which tells you more than you need to know about my sleep schedule.

My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement

Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.

Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia

My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”

I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle

me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign

booming voice from above: LOG OFF

me: that could’ve been anyone

I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.

Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”

*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS

In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.

My kid, asking the important questions after I told her I’d gone to the PTA meeting this morning, “How did you wear your hair?”

I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.

When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all

Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.

My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.

My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.

For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.

There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.

I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.

As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.

me: =)

dentist: we have to remove some teeth

me: =;

I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today

Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:

Music: Jimi Hendrix

Science: Albert Einstein

Business: Michael Scott

*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*

Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…

Me: *starts digging again*

71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.

[caught in a vending machine] SOMEONE BUY E7

gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.

If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.

People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.