My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
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My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
Me irl
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal