My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
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Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
knights of the ikea table
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will be complete
Unexpected Judgment
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
so weird how every mom was born today
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
This makes total sense…
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”