My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
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I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
Being a dog must be wild, everyone you meet is your masseuse
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
think about how many more lovers you’d have if a cross country high speed rail system existed. thats what they are taking away from you
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
What fresh Hell is this?!?
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.