Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
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Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad