Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]

HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-

ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.

*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*

Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.

No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.

When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done

girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??

I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.

Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime

I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.

I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.

I kept not finding it. She got angrier.

I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”

Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”

😑

Friend: *texting* come out tonight

Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there

me: why does nobody like me

therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic

me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how

Me: when is your birthday

Her: March 1st

Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?

DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:

– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad

– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise

– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral

– there’s like a groom or w/e idc

My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.

“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”

*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*

“Please continue to hold…”

When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas

Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up

I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel

I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.

[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin

[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–

[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…

[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*

Moving tip: don’t learn how to read

“Do one thing today that scares you.”

*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*

[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?

Hockey would be better if the players had to write a short essay about what they did wrong before they could leave the penalty box.

My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.

ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful

7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside

ME: [explains daylight savings time]

7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.