My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
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Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!