Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.

You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.

By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.

Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?

Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:

My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

Me: That’s crazy

me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one

*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see

If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.

Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows

That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.

Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.

See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1663492111134597120/pu/vid/720x720/cgC31GBvDooM38_I.mp4?tag=12

can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.

The first Ron is always Ron. Any Rons who come after are automatically MoreRons. I don’t know why HR sees it otherwise.

I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”

I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.

My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?

“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*

My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.

If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.

4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”

Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.

4-year-old: We thank the microwave?

I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud

Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon

My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby

I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together

Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch

Hi, I’m Emma. My hobbies include:
1. Not cleaning
2. Not cooking and
3. Not doing laundry.

I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.

You: “Call me crazy but..”

Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”

Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.

My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.

[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now