Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”

I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”

If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.

Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me

Me: OMG just get in the shower

Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:

Dad: Who are you routing for?

Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.

Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.

Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.

Free will was a bad idea.

I should have charged for it.

Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.

Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide

[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.

Son: Facebook is for old people.

Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…

me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead

friend: it’s cool, we have a map

me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone

A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig

My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.

TWITTER

2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral

2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable

2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater

2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools

Mi casa es su casa, where casa is not equal to the last beer in the fridge.

Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas

I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.

Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans

The fact that we don’t hear the words “free quote” and burst into laughter always amazes me. You aren’t going to charge me to tell me what you’ll charge me? Calm down, Karl Marx.

Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!

[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager

Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out

{During Mass}

Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?

✨☝️✨

me when somebody idk start touching me

I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing

If Twitter has taught me anything it’s

[several hours later]

time management.

if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could