Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d hire this kid in 10 years.

As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.

Me: oh shit I am running so late

My dog: [barfs]

Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed

First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*

*Arrives at the barbers*

“I’d like some highlights please”

*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*

(Halloween Party)

Friend: What’s your costume?

Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”

Friend: But you always wear that

Me: Yeah.

[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]

ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day

If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.

I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background

[Mcdonald’s]

DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids

WIFE: we have 10 kids

DARWIN: I know

me: so i have an attention deficit.

psychologist: yes.

me: so i need to get more attention

psychologist: no.

SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.

no one:

me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me

Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?

—God, creating toddlers

Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”

FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.

Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.

Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it

Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57

HER: I’m leaving u

ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia

HER: yes

ME:

HER:

ME: did the dog put you up to this

People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.

They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle

If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2

Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.

Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.

[commercial for soup]

NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?

Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso

Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them

-Lord of the Onion Rings

[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry

[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow