My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
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Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?