Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.

I got jort-martialed

“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene

Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair

BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday

best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.

dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”

I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.

#RubbishJokes #DadJokes

This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.

I bet you didn’t see that one coming.

Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm

She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.

[1st date]

Her: So, were you born here?

Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.

It’s amazing how brazen foxes are these days. Just looking at this little one here, in broad daylight, not a care in the world, trotting across the apron, leaping up the stairs, firing up a 737, taxiing it out…wait

When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.

During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea

Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.

What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???

It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.

[1994]

Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.

[2019]

Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.

What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.

YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!

I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display

No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting

[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?

RoboCop: *about to arrest me*

Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them

RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning

therapist: what’s on your mind

me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with

Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole

me: the best things in life are free!

lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way

I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome

It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…

Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral

Never go to bed angry. Stay up and finish the argument like an adult