my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
as you get older nothing loses its sting more than an authority figure saying they are disappointed in you. like I don’t know what to tell you, Darryl, we can’t both live in the prison of your expectations
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
I really want an emotional support octopus so I can train it to slap people and shoplift.
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
