Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.

Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!

Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?

me: hi i’m on the list

security: there is no list this is kohl’s

me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man

Woke up against my better judgement again

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.

They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this

Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”

This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.

🤭😂

[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so

I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter

Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?

I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.

ME: “Aloe Vera”

VERA: “Aloe”

“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”

interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.

me: well, which is it?

The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.

‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’

‘Sure, just hold the butter.’

just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…

Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.

9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.

9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*

“i really need a vacation”
-your friend who’s been on 10+ trips this year

I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding

[calling my fav Jamaican takeout joint to find out which day chef, the Jerk King, is not there]

me: when is the Jerk King off?

chef: what

Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.

My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23

I’m far enough into my kids’ summer camp that my clothes dryer is now just a sandbox

Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing

“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.

Not. Even. Joking.