Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell

11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.

Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?

11: …

[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job

I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?

for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.

At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.

Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.

Is it because I’m brown??

My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.

Cheers Twitter.

You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.

i could never be president. im overqualified.

“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.

Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul

If you read one of my posts and get mad that it doesn’t apply to your specific personal experience, you should know that I did it on purpose. I considered every possible experience and reaction and left yours out. I work against you from the shadows and will continue doing so.

Overheard:

“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”

If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”

Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”

Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”

Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”

If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to

I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn

“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.

Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.

People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.

Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?

Yeah, me neither.

jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison

me [sitting in a chair]: OMG

jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room

me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?

jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*

me: goodbye cruel world

What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car

There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.

I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.

My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.

Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.

Children: Wait what?

Me: What?

I keep getting snagged in seemingly random single threads of webbing in my kitchen, which means I either have a spider casting a web of incomprehensible dimensions (terrifying) or a spider that spends their nights swinging around pretending they’re Peter Parker (delightful)

Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”

*later at the abandoned mine*

Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”