Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

birds and squirrels envy us

The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?

“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.

Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.

Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward

Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.

No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.

People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.

They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.

If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?

If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.

I sexually identify as an avocado.

Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.

Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.

10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.

would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this

Even Forrest Gump got laid.

This is bullshit.

The party bus lobby must be so strong. You’re not allowed to ride in a car without a seatbelt, unless you’re drinking and dancing on a pole. What an incredible loophole.

“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.

(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*

What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?

[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.

[Speed Dating]

People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?

BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is

this tweet changed my entire outlook on life

#parenting

My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.

The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.

“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.

and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness

My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.

My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.

Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.

My Son: It’s really fancy!

Me: It’s the best!

~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty