my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
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goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
every single time
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
I don’t always carry all the groceries on one arm, but when I do, my keys are in the wrong pocket…
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.