My 3y/o is the only girl at her small daycare. I was thrilled when she started talking about her new friend Piper and how much they loved to play. Every day for months: Piper this, Piper that.
Finally I asked the daycare lady about maybe scheduling a playdate.
Piper is a cat.
Gonna need a little more blood sugar before I stand on a 6 foot ladder and have both hands involved in wiring.
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
I remember taking my daughter to the movies once and after the second guy in a black leather mask with a zipper mouth showed up I thought, “Hey, this can’t be Frozen.” Anyway, years later, we laugh and laugh about that mistake; her, me and her therapist.
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
Who called it Alcatraz and not Jailhouse Rock
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
Doubling capacity by allowing aircraft take off from both ends of the runway didn’t go well. You learn something new every day in this job!
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
