My 3y/o is the only girl at her small daycare. I was thrilled when she started talking about her new friend Piper and how much they loved to play. Every day for months: Piper this, Piper that.
Finally I asked the daycare lady about maybe scheduling a playdate.
Piper is a cat.
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I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
Called in, “Car’s in the shop, so I’m taking the treadmill this morning. It’s taking forever.”
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.