My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
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I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
Me trying to “trust the process”
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
People always tell me I’d be “late to my own funeral” like it’s a bad thing. They’d be lucky if I even showed up to that depressing shit.
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
Trumpy Cat
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
