Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!

Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.

*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*

I’d grill your cheese.

~me, flirting

Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.

For newbies

DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subway

always here to help! All day 👍

Believe me, I looked.

But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”

23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.

Henry Ford: Yes, sir.

[pushing my son in his stroller]

Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?

Me: 35

Stranger: I was talking to him

Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.

Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!

Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!

“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.

Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.

lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar

judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*

Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!

Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.

Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.

A friend who’s a former British military officer told me that when he was training soldiers in jungle warfare they were taught that if they got lost in the jungle, the first thing they should do was to brew a cup of tea and think about what to do next.

I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue

Desperation

-Fragrance by Social Media

My daughter has been super nice lately and encouraging me to take naps so I can rest and I just discovered that while I’ve been doing that she’s been slowly decimating my secret candy stash

I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight

Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.

If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.

Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.

she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos

Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.

*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorry

Canadian boxing

I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.

I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.

Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together

Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school

Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!

I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.

What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!

“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit

Rules for a happy marriage:

3. Separate bank accounts

2. Separate data plans

1. Separate bathrooms