@ImMelanieGibson

My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?

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@brunopieroni

I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.

@TheHatStore

doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week

me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one

@ClichedOut

WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad

ME: the 5 potato options, please

@prophethusband

breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds

lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water

dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also

@FrogAvalanche

I dug a small hole in the Earth.

I did a handstand.

Im wearing the Earth as a hat.

@AbrasiveGhost

Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here

@JKNenagh

Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.

Me: how

Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir

@bzamayo

Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.

@crunchenhanced

It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.

@kieransofar

neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you

neil armweak: can you carry this?