@ImMelanieGibson

My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?

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@ChicksRule

[being held hostage]

Me: this is nice

Kidnapper: what

Me: I love to be held

@E_lok44

If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.

@WheelTod

Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners

@samdunsiger

Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.

@thatUPSdude

Was driving with my dad the other day and he told me to get the map out of the glove box. Easy there Indiana Jones, I will just google it.

@hazelmotes1

Why does everyone have to point out they adopted their dog? Are they worried that we are suspicious because it doesn’t look like them?

@thombodytolove

don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo

@TheAlexNevil

First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.

Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.

@NervousJr

Oh you have a hard time gaining weight?

That’s cool.

Here, hold this grenade.

@KeetPotato

*gives you dictionary for your birthday*

wow.. i don’t know what to say

“that’s why i bought it for you”