I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
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doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?