[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Me: I love to be held
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
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If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
Was driving with my dad the other day and he told me to get the map out of the glove box. Easy there Indiana Jones, I will just google it.
Why does everyone have to point out they adopted their dog? Are they worried that we are suspicious because it doesn’t look like them?
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
Oh you have a hard time gaining weight?
Here, hold this grenade.
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”