My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
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*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
ME: Just because someone can play acoustic guitar doesn’t automatically mean they can sing.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
What a website
There’s anxiety and then there’s my 4yo counting to 10 really fast because we’re playing hide and seek and oh my gosh I haven’t found a hiding spot yet