My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
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[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
SpongeBob has such a good life. Make burgers, catch jellyfish, play with friend. I want that. I want that for me. And I would have no problem with disposing of him in order to get it
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
You learn something every day
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
If I could have lunch with anyone, alive or dead, I would choose alive, because dead people won’t pass the f***ing salt.