Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows

Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!

Blacksmith:

Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.

Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.

Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult

[at a boat store]

Salesperson: Can i help you?

Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.

As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.

*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery

Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.

[last day at job]

“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”

[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]

“Not you tho Phil”

Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.

*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly

Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.

Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.

you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*

me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*

Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?

Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.

I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster

I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.

need a new bf mines broken 😐

17 animal photos that will make you do a double take

I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.

[When your mom calls you by your full name]

Mom: Scoobert Doobert!

Scooby: Ruh roh

People must think I’m a comforting presence because I often hear “Security!” wherever I go.

Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.

I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.

The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.

*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*

*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-

ope

I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless

police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long

me: i thought we were doing a silly one