My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
Come closer…..and let me just rest this pillow on your face.
I was at the library, when people began throwing Stephen King novels around.
I could not figure out why. Then IT hit me.
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
I had 2 critical meetings on Tuesday. I was SO worried & nervous about them but it went okay. I was composed. I was fierce. I was prepared. And I was wearing my shirt backward the entire time. (I only realized after I got home.)
