My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
Ugh but profoundly
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
Cancer: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
