Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single

{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.

HER: He’s so kind.

ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.

“What’s funny?”

The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.

“Why’s that funny?”

Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: It’s a surprise

I hate what you’ve done with the place.

Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.

Ghost: GET OUT

Me: Or what?

Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder

A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer

me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better

Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”

Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax

The dark side of Canada

If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,

Me: I’ll drink to that!

Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”

when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late

Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.

Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.

Why can’t mirrors be nicer

If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.

Therapist: Are you two still romantic?

Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.

Husband: There were chores written on all of them.

Twitter

Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.

AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]

Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.

—me flirting with a chemist

*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.

5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!

I’m not positive,

but I think when you say you’re “over” something,

YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.

My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”

I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours

First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.

Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?