My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
You Might Also Like
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.