My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
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wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
I moved the karaoke machine from under my bed to the kitchen so I can sing along when cooking. It scares the dog and drives my daughter crazy so I’d say it’s a big hit.
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
*seductively peels off lederhosen
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
The stun gun you tried using on me didn’t work. Why am I not shocked?
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?