My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
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NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
how do i lose 30 pounds without cutting out baja blast, coffee creamer, and my ritual of eating 400 calories worth of candy at 11pm???
Get Daft Punk to make a comeback for the finale then they fly up the Eiffel Tower and one of them takes their helmet off and it’s Celine Dion and the other one takes their helmet off and it’s also Celine Dion
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
My husband said I’m the most amazing woman on the planet. GEESH CRAIG WHAT ABOUT THE MILLIONS OF OTHER PLANETS?!? AM I JUST MEDIOCRE ON THOSE? I’m throwing up so much right now
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
It’s 9:00 p.m. And an ice cream truck just blew past my house . Doesn’t he know I can’t run that fast
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
You want me to go apple picking? The original sin???
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
