Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.

The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:

If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.

A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.

approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes

Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.

The weather: *reads my credit card bill*

*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?

is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants

I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan

did you know that before the crowbar was invented,

crows used to drink at home….

mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon

[first date]

HER: I really like a man who notices things.

ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.

thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider

I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it

Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.

Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”

If she says yes, you can sit where she was.

Nomnomnomnom

People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.

Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies

DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again

Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.

Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.

I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.

[Snow White sees her doctor]

Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot

When I get mad at my wife I don’t yell or stop doing chores or anything like that.

I log on to her YouTube channel and watch car repair and golf videos.

I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.

I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work

I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?

Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.

me: thanks!

server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*

Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.

I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.

God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”