My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
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If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
A coworker just said she couldn’t change the printer ink because she’s very sensitive to electrodes(?) and didn’t have the right crystals to counteract(??)
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
I ate everything, including the H.
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
You sure about that?
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
Single worst piece of software ever invented
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.