Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.

Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…

I was shocked.

I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted

Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family

My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.

People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”

*in court for murder*

I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.

I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.

& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.

I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.

Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.

“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”

– My current favorite child

I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.

[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids

My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.

I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle Sam

Dr Seuss’s CPA

People knock the internet but I’ve just discovered that Swindon Town is the only league football club in England or Scotland that doesn’t contain any letters that appear in the word mackerel.

Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.

Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*

Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”

I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.

Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.

Me: I’m braver than any marine.

Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?

Me: Any, uh, marine animal.

Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?

If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.

until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified

My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.

I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.

I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.

My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.

I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.

Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity

me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***

*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms

“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”

Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu