My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
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Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
and now we wait
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
sir, my pâté if you please
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.