Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.

Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.

Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.

Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.

One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.

Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.

Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?

*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*

Rattle snake

What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot

I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.

Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok

Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.

Torturer: you shock him this time

Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle

Torturer: no not— wait really

“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”

*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*

[Career Day]

Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.

Kids: *raise hands*

Me: I won’t be taking any questions.

*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*

I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.

I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”

Grading system for students in India:

A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family

this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this

This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.

dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people

Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks

me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving

my kids: are ALL the presents for you

me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them

If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.

Bring it.

Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.

joined a counterstrike game and no one was talking. second round i randomly meowed and a guy with the username “dog”, with a profile picture of a dog, called a vote kick and i was gone within 5 seconds. wtf lmao

TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.

[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]

“Parkour” I yell, as I fall during my sobriety test

*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*

[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag

impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks