Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[being murdered]

me: this is free, right?

That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.

Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.

Another perk of being a music teacher…

Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?

Me: So my car made a noise and..

Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.

[NASA March 1970]

Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?

NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!

[NASA April 1970]

[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]

Me: Why don’t you ride your bike to practice and save me the trip?

13-year-old: I can’t. It’s too far.

Me: You ride twice that far when you go to your friend’s house.

13: I can only go that far if it’s for fun.

May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*

[applies for name change]

June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*

[leaves the country]

Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.

therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?

me: no no, i said arsonist

therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now

me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen

From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”

[spelling bee]

Your word is “pneumonia”.

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.

Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack

STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius

She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.

I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story

Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.

Primenesia?

INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?

ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.

I cannot call her anything else now

Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.

Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).

NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.

ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?

has anyone considered that millennials aren’t aging bc those koolaid jammers and lunchables preserved us?

Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground

Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency

Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]

Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…

Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.

Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”

-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…

“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine

Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off