My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
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If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
I use a wheelchair. I’m in charge of distributing nonalcoholic beverages at parties. I roll with the punches.
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
*eats only grass-fed donuts
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
AM I BEING GASLIT????
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
#CoronaOutbreak
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.