My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
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No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
I ordered mushrooms on my pizza.
When do they kick in?
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.