My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
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Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
No matter how much Polynesian food you eat, you always want Samoa.
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
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I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
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The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”