Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”

Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!

Me: Oh, that is so sweet-

K: *pull out paint*

Me: You really don’t-

K: *pull out glue*

Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-

K: *pull out glitter*

Me: Christmas is cancelled.

My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.

Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”

If a woman has kids: should they not be at home looking after the kids

If a woman does not have kids: wow crazy cat lady

If a woman lures kids to her cottage made of gingerbread deep down in the woods: she’s a witch

Women can’t win

I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.

M: I’m gonna go relax

H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help

The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for

I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.

I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference

Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.

ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness

STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no

My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back

Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.

The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.

Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting

Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?

Xanax.

Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?

Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons

Ed:

Ed: fsh

[group therapy]

me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?

voldemort: uhh no

joker: yikes

darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you

Dear plastic wrap,

I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.

– me

[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…

[another scientist who worked on the project] me too

I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.

I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”

are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.

My mom came out of light anesthesia just now and she’s yelling about how nice and thick my hair is, hey I’ll take the compliments where I can get them

Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.

Oh.

My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.

awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february

Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.