My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
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A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
My boss said I’m not allowed to nap at my desk, but apparently I’m not allowed to bring my bed into the office either. Make up your mind!
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
It’s so funny that people directly compare Dune and Furiosa when all that they have in common is that there’s sand
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.