My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
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Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
passed a guy walking down the street video chatting someone but here’s a fun twist: he was doing it on a laptop
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
having a job is cool but everydayyy???
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
Tammy is short for Tamuel
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.