my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
You Might Also Like
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
I know I’m almost 40 because I had a few drinks last night and woke up this morning thinking: Oh no I bought SO MANY SOCKS online last night.
me when i see my girls butt
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs