Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.

Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls

“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it

Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.

I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.

I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree

HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!

HEATHER: You wanna bet?

my sister, since we’re at a 10-hour time difference now, which means that she lives “in the future”

Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on

Christian Bale: What?

Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?

Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.

THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?

ME: ew, why you so jelly?

I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.

My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.

[1st day as a mechanic]

CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?

ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil

we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on

I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub

I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway

I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.

Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid

-Nobody ever

Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.

I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.

Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.

I’ve tried being less handsome but it’s like stapling water to a tree…impossible

her: so, what should i do now?
doctor: inform your partner
her: i don’t know if i can face him
doctor: you can write him a note
her: that’s a great idea!

can’t stop thinking about that time at the planetarium where they showed us a picture of earth and everyone booed.

My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.

Hey boy are you my washing machine? Because neither of you know how long 15 minutes last.

“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”

-fuse box on a power trip.

Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.

[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please