My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
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If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
What to make for dinner: the chicken with the green things they hate, the chicken with the sauce they hate, or the plain chicken they hate?
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
Every work call, he judges.
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?