My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
You Might Also Like
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
Be nice to us folks who wear glasses. We paid money to see you.
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
If I have to use a revolving door, there’s an 80% chance I’ll come out the same side I went in.
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
Now, where’s the sport in that?
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
when i was 20 my grandma made me a homemade rhino costume. no costume party no nothin i just wore it to work
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If I had a time machine, I’d go back and tell the Vikings that ‘MmmBop’ was a war cry.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.