My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
You Might Also Like
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
Not to brag but I also decided not to run today.
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
Such a beautiful day I chose to walk instead of the bus. Job interview can start without me.
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
friend saw this guy on the apps lol
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”