My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
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in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate
them: why can’t you just say it’s raining
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.