Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi

Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think

There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.

Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.

Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.

My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.

[first date]

Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.

Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?

Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME

me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert

waiter: that’s mousse, sir

me: hmm, that’ll be too much

Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?

Trooper: State Police identify yourself

Me: Police identify yourself

Trooper: State Police

Me: Police

Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”

The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare

ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.

All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.

Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way

I told myself I’d behave today… then I saw my reflection and thought, maybe tomorrow

Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.

i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire

me: [getting murdered]

murderer: [murdering]

murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?

murderer: unbelievable

Cop: Know how fast you were going?

Me: obviously, I have a speedometer

Cop: I know that

Me: then why did you ask?

Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk

c’mon!

ME: people only use 10% of their brains

FRIEND: that’s an urban legend

ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm

To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.

Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”

She says “Burger King.”

Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.

Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep

Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine

Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep

Internet: European dragon flu

Me: Oh nooooo

Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?

9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.

Me: ok..

9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma

Me: ok so

9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something

What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?

Christopher Walken

Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.

He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh

I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.