[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
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I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.