@geowizzacist

My 3yo: Help I dropped a coin in the toilet come and get it out.

Me (looks): I can’t see anything in there.

3: That’s because I flushed.

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@TheBoydP

I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.

@upsidedowntrash

[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office

@lazerdoov

1. Take pictures of every cat in your neighborhood

2. Make missing cat posters with the pictures

3. Get all the cats

@SkunkFarts

There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.

@DjKC_117

I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.

@Hurly_Burly

If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.

@don_haworth

I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes

@timdonakowski

Anyone else bite their bottom lip and make a noise when inserting your headphone plug? Me neither.

@MollySneed

[first date]

I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.

*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*

-Yeah, totally.