A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
You Might Also Like
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
No point crayon over spilled milk.
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?