My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
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WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
I’m so tired today. If you pulled up next to me in a car & said, “Get in loser. We’re going to–” I’d already be in the car with my seat belt fastened, fast asleep.
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band
March, April May
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
[rap battle]
me: i do suck. i do sit in my house and watch youtube videos all day. i do get scared when i hear a loud noise
my opponent: dude i wasn’t going to say any of that shit. are you ok
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.