My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
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son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
We have this problem in Skye. Not a family round here hasn’t lost a baby or a dog to the eagles. We just don’t whine about it all the time. Southerners. 🙄
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock