Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: can i withdraw a million dollars

banker: from which account

me: like whoever has the most

My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.

Inkling sounds like a baby octopus

The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.

Interviewer: Your resume states that you can dunk?

Me: Are you going to test me?

Interviewer: No, I’m more curious about why you would put that-

Me: Oh well then yeah I can dunk

Killer: come out come out wherever you are

Me: *hiding*

Killer: omg what a cute puppy!

Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man

If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.

At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.

SCARECROW: If I only had a brain

DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas

TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you

How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling

[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific

Maggie Smith, Britain’s last coal-powered actor

Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel

Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:

1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.

me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me

[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck

Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?

Me: And I would do anything for love.

Her: Put your phone down.

Me: But I won’t do that.

Her: You said anything.

Me: No I won’t do that.

You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…

No matter what the store manager says.

Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants

[Ocean’s 14]

Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine

Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying

Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.

Him: tell me about your longest relationship

Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?

Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.

OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!

Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.

stalking her spotify playlists on the desktop version and looking at each date a song was added and cross referencing it with my own perceived timeline of events then analyzing the data and making assumptions that are probably incorrect because idk i have a lot of issues

The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.

Imagine how many people would be archers if we had to hunt tacos like ducks

[at symphony concert]

*marimba part begins*

Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?

I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.