My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
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For the record, saying somebody of the same sex is handsome or pretty or attractive does not make you seem gay at all, but prefacing that statement with “I’m not gay but…” kinda does
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
I wish my 3yo ate dinner as well as he eats toothpaste
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
Well, well, well. How the wheels on the bus have gone round and round.
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name