Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W

Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …

My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.

I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.

gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting

“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.

Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .

Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.

you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”

[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.

Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.

9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.

Me: That’s every culture son.

to be Frank, i would have to change my name.

Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.

Universe: Hold my beer.

Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food

What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet

i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”

#BrexitIn5Words

He’s just not into EU

purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again

HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched

hackers play passwordle

Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.

Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.

Me: My socks are off, though.

Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.

Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.

Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*

I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.

Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?

Wolfman: Silver bullets

Frankenstein: Fire

Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.

[me dress shopping]

“Ohhhh that’s cute”

*an 80 year old buys it*

In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.

If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.

Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁

Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together

[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]

[me to the fridge] you had one job

*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*