Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.

I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense

approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes

If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.

Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.

*Turns on work computer*

*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*

*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*

I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.

[neighbourhood watch meeting]

john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.

suzy: omg who could it be?

lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.

All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.

Saw your ex at the shops

Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope

me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-

british gas:

bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!

[dave starts doing the electric slide]

robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money

Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.

I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.

[being stopped by the cops]

Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool

My new best friend: *clicky noises*

Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*

Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.

caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*

The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.

Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’

My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.

Sorry, Ghostbusters.

At best, I might email or text you.

every TV pilot:

“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”

PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.

FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota

One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves

I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.

Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!

I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.

Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week

Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.