My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
You Might Also Like
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
Oh no Moo Deng noo!!
You learn something every day
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
me, flirting: did it hurt?
her: what
me: when you fell from the ugly tree and landed on your face
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person