My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
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If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
This is the best one I’ve seen
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.