My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
I am not responsible for what my face does when you talk
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
*cancelling plans* ugh sorry i’d love to come but im actually uhhhh in the running for vice president
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
