My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
What happened to the other hiker??!
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
My husband breaking the news to my kids: We’re probably not going anywhere this weekend.
My kids: NOOOOO!
Me: ʸᵉˢˢˢˢ
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
