Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.

ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure

[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something

My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.

be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge

Just seen my doctor about the fake pain in my leg. He’s diagnosed me with pretendonitis.

My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.

Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.

Want proof advertising works?

I just bought a Goodyear blimp.

Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot

ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?

HER: I don’t even like you now

Justice is a dish best served cold.

If it were served warm, it would be justwater.

Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.

I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid

*Batman voice*
Elections give me diarrhea.

My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.

Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.

Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.

If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.

I was going to pour a glass of wine tonight but then I scrolled here and think you guys might need it more than me.

“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say

I broke a tooth eating a carrot. I’ve never broken a tooth while eating a donut.

I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.

Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.

Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’

I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?

*I need to eat better*

post donut clarity

A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.

history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.

Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.