My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
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*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
Hey boy are you my washing machine? Because neither of you know how long 15 minutes last.
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.