Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.

Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account

the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop

babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu

30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”

On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot

I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.

Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.

Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?

Me: you butter believe it : )

I wore scrubs to Target and a woman asked me if her eye looked infected so I did what any doctor’s office would do. I asked her when her last period was and then I weighed her

it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you

Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.

ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?

3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too

How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.

Just had a marijuanapiphany:

Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.

[Chasing a dog on my bike]

Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!

I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.

Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children

At Dairy Queen:

Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.

DQ: You wanna spoon?

Me: Sure, when do you get off?

Someone’s been going round our local town stealing all the eggs, milk, sugar and vanilla essence. Police now have the culprit in custardy.

Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.

I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.

Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?

The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude

“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”

~me, as a marriage counselor

Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?

learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”

ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?

GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?

vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.

If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home

that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse