My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
You Might Also Like
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
Oh my God.
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White clothes: lol same.
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
you can lead a squid to water but you can’t make it ink
Waking up extra early gives you more time and helps you focus. On all that extra time you could have been asleep.
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.