Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.

Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀

in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies

I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.

Me [all day]: tired

Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?

My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.

Her: Did you just ask that woman out?

Me: Yes…

Her: And? What’d she say?

Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”

Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.

*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.

it should be illegal to take a nap and still have a headache when you wake up. like no i shut it off and back on again why are you still here

So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.

I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.

Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped

Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos

Twitter has ruined me.

Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.

“What should we call ourselves?”

How about 22 pilots?

“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”

21 pilots?

“Omg”

Him: It’s only a 20 minute hike. Why do you insist on so much bug spray?!
Me: Keeps the murder hornets away
Him: There’s no murder hornets in our state
Me: Then the spray is working

Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.

Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.

“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.

if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy

Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?

Girl: Hehe sure baby

Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself

Paramedic: What happened?

Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.

Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*

her: [during roleplay] come get me

me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me

Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!

If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.

Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper

A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches

I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.

Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?