My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
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Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
Match dot com, but for socks.
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
my 7 year old went to his first movie theatre recently. when walking in, he asked “is the movie theatre private? like, do i have to keep my pants on in here?” and upon discovering he had to keep all his clothes on, he decided all other movies would be viewed at home
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
