Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.

On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.

Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.

“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.

This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.

me when i smell free food in the break room

I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.

My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out

Small talk is good for your sanity because you can have a short, pleasant exchange with a stranger and then feel good for a minute because you tricked yourself into thinking maybe not everyone is insane

Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.

Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem

I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?

Things that interrupt sex:

20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp

I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.

If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.

My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.

Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?

5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?

People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?

babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu

I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.

*From me

The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.

[Creating Humans]

God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.

Angels: Why?

God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.

Angels: Lololol.

God: I hope they call it a funny bone.

Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.

*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*

The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.

[Fortnite with 9]

9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?

Me: Sure, why?

9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.

Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*

[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”

I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream

Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.

Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”

Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am

Step 3: Return to bed